Colorado Rep. Lauren Boebert has issued an apology to the American people this weekend, expressing her clear, sincere, and obvious regret at the fact that theaters doing a Denver production of the Beetlejuice musical have such high-quality night-vision cameras these days.
Okay, so, technically Boebert actually issued her apology in response to a week-long theatrical scandal that has not gotten less embarrassing as time has gone on—starting with her denying that she got kicked out of a Denver production of the Tony-nominated musical for vaping, and then progressing as surveillance footage from the Buell Theater leaked out showing her not just doing that, but also taking flash photography, flipping off theater employees, and getting sexually intimate with her date in the midst of the crowded auditorium.
(Many critics have noted the inherent hypocrisy of Boebert, who’s spent her time in Congress railing against drag shows, the education of kids on LGBTQ issues, and gender-affirming medical care, deciding it’s totally harmless to get to third base in the middle of a theater at a show rated for kids aged 10 years old and older.)
After initially trying to blame her vape clouds on the show’s poor, besmirched fog machines, Boebert was forced to come clean because, seriously, have you seen these cameras they’ve got now? They’re really good! “The past few days have been difficult and humbling, and I’m truly sorry for the unwanted attention my Sunday evening in Denver has brought to the community,” Boebert said in a statement late on Friday evening, before asking if you’d perhaps heard that she’s going through a messy divorce right now? “There’s no perfect blueprint for going through a public and difficult divorce, which over the past few months has made for a challenging personal time for me and my entire family,” she added. “I’ve tried to handle it with strength and grace as best I can, but I simply fell short of my values on Sunday. That’s unacceptable and I’m sorry.” Boebert did not go on to clarify exactly which values she’d fallen short of during the encounter, but they presumably include “don’t be such a godawful theater patron that you don’t get to see the cast do ‘Day-O (The Banana Boat Song).’”